“I did have difficulty
with someone telling me they loved me,
and then putting a limitation
on what I can do or be.
Love shouldn't diminish you,
it should enhance you."
— Carole Bayer Sager
[Classic post from 11-21-16]
In a relationship, we often give the other more power than they deserve. It's as if we have this amount of power between us, and then we shift much of our own power over to the other, leaving us with less. But, there is plenty to go around when we accept our own power, while also allowing the other their own. When we try to impose our thoughts and needs on the other, we give them a responsibility that is not deserved, and many times, they just mess it up.
Anita Moorjani was talking with someone in her book, What If This Is Heaven? about choosing joy. She offered some questions for that person to consider. “How can I love myself more? How can I support myself more? What would I be doing if I did love myself? What can I do each day to show myself how much I love and support myself. And then I would write down what comes to me and actually do these things each day."
She adds, “I've also learned that it's important to feel that what I'm doing comes from a place of love and not from a place of fear; that is, I make whatever choice I make because I love myself, treasure my life, and want to feel good again–not because I fear what will happen otherwise."
As I look at the newspaper, it is a place to advertise for some of our clients, but more than this, it is an instrument of fear. It is so biased toward fearful events that have happened, and a good number that might happen, that it would be easy to think that this is the way the world is. As we look at movies, television, social media, and the Internet, the mix seems so similar. It's hard to know what is real or not sometimes because people publish things out of context, and ignorance, and negative emotion. This is often true with how relationships are shown in supermarket tabloids, and popular magazines. Who's divorcing whom, who's cheating on whom, and so much more.
It would be easy in paying much attention to all of this to ask, where is the love? But, at the very least, for each negative thing or statement we see, there is a minimum of one positive one that may not be shown. The Ying and Yang, the plus and minus. We live in a world of duality.
But, we get to choose what we focus on. Equally, in a relationship, we get to choose for our own health, happiness, and well-being–indeed, loving ourselves as fully as we can, or hoping the other will do it for us. At best, they could only succeed sometimes. It's too much for them to take care of themselves and us at the same time with the fullness of that which we seek from them. It's not really their job. It's ours.
The quote at the top came from a just-released book by Carole Bayer Sager, titled, They're Playing Our Song: A Memoir. They became lovers and collaborators, and soon enough their hopes of what the other would be for them became the impossible dream–unless. . . that is, unless they gave up themselves and gave it all to the other. And, of course, that would only play for so long too. We easily lose respect for people who give up themselves.
I see this all the time in movies and books and if I read them, in magazines and other publications. As well, I've seen and experienced it in my own life too.
The part that was missing in my own life was loving myself, respecting myself, caring for myself, which affected the other and vice versa. We can't be selfless and be ourselves, can we? When we give up ourselves, what good are we to a partner? It's like taking all the flavor out.
Let's go back to the questions above. How can we love ourselves more, care for ourselves, do and be what we need to be? How can we do this and share a life with another? I think it makes sharing a life with another as perfect as that can be, providing we are both loving ourselves as much as we love the other.
When We Give Up Ourselves, We Have Nothing To Give.
Spread Some Joy Today–by finding ways in which you can feel more joy, feel more love, injoy yourself, love yourself–even up to how God is loving you and injoy about you.