Category: Respect

The Ways

“It's not that some people
have willpower and some don't…
It's that some people are ready
to change and others are not.”

— James Gordon

[Classic post from 2-21-13]

I see it all around me–people that need to change. Sue Grafton said it in an interesting way: “You can't save others from themselves because those who make a perpetual muddle of their lives don't appreciate your interfering with the drama they've created. They want your poor-sweet-baby sympathy, but they don't want to change.” Then, there's that very old phrase I've used many times, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.”

No matter what I think, people will change when they decide they want or need to change. The best I can do is to attempt to inspire them, remind them, and even sometimes guide them, and the rest is totally up to them.

This is as it should be. As I live my life, I find things that work and incorporate them into my life, with that change, I may share my experience and others will do as they will with that. One of the things that I have to constantly remind myself of is that there are so many ways of doing a thing, and whatever I have chosen is a way. I remind myself as often as necessary that there is no way, there is your way, my way, and their way, and they are all ways.

As a result of reminding myself about the ways, I see Sue's comment, which I've agreed with many times, and I see in it that as we say “those who make a perpetual muddle of their lives,” is entirely judgmental and not in a positive way. It's true that “they don't appreciate your interfering with the drama they've created,” because those are their choices and the drama is their payoff probably. So be it. And, they often want sympathy. So be it. However, we can let them choose their way, and choose our own by walking away.

One last perspective. I so enjoy hearing others share their “way” and what they've learned. I especially love their passion when I hear it and see it.

There Is Plenty Of Room For Each And Every Way.

Spread Some Joy Today–If you can, take a break and find a place with people around and just watch them, see the different ways they act, clothes they wear, shapes of their bodies, voices, everything. It is so fascinating.

Forgiveness Is A Stepping Stone

“Forgiveness is not an end,
nor is it resolve; however, 
 it is a worthy stepping stone
on our own journey toward
gratitude, acceptance,
love, and appreciation.” 

— Albert K Strong 

[Classic post from 9-29-14]

As we have been born into and learned from our parents and others, listened and watched the media, discussed events with other people, it is clear that we live in a world filled with duality. This duality is often spoken of in terms of extremes of opposites, such as good and bad, right and wrong, life and death, health and illness. Often, we are taught to become judges and are encouraged to have strong feelings about these extreme choices one way or the other.

I was listening to an Esther Hicks short session the other day where a woman was talking about how she had been betrayed by their lover or spouse. She was quite upset by it, did not understand it, and the more she thought about it and talked about it, the angrier she became. How could she forgive him for hurting her so? But, forgiveness was not the answer.

When I was in my early twenties, I had a good job, but it was entry-level and I was married and just getting by. A relative needed a loan and the only way it would be made was if someone cosigned the loan. I agreed to help. Within just a few months, they defaulted on the loan and the bank turned to me. I accepted responsibility for the debt, but my thoughts were all about what a bad decision I made, how I should have known better, how they shouldn't have done that to me, and so on.

I thought of something funny from Jim Rohn this morning as I was driving. On a tape, he was talking about a guy he knew who was all upset about this other guy lying to him and taking him for some money and how that was terrible, unforgivable, etc. Jim's answer was this: “What did you expect? That's what liars do–they lie! To think otherwise is naive.”

Here's a great piece on forgiveness by Dr. John F. Demartini from his book, The Breakthrough Experience: “Forgiveness is a self-righteous illusion that makes someone bad or wrong and then presumes to judge and pardon. An apology is judging yourself, and both are guaranteed to perpetuate whatever you judge. The only thing that transcends this dynamic is love.”

He goes on to say, “If you can see that everything in your life serves you, that no matter what you've done or not done it's moving you forward, you suddenly see your own perfection and your heart opens–to yourself.”

In addition, Dr. Demartini says, “There exists a hierarchy of emotional responses in life. Fear and guilt are at the bottom of the ladder; above them are faith, acceptance, and forgiveness; and at the top is the present truth of love, appreciation, and wisdom. Forgiveness is a stage on the path, but once you see that everything serves and there is nothing to forgive, it becomes another myth. The truth requires no forgiveness.”

Although on the surface, and from our lifetime of training, it seems illogical and incomprehensible to be thankful and to find gratitude in these kinds of events, this is the ultimate stepping stone to laying the rope down on that subject. With forgiveness, we are still holding the rope, but we have loosened our grip and are giving slack to the opposing force, yet we are ready in a moment's notice to grip it again.

It Is Not About The Other No Matter What They Are Doing Or Not Doing. It Is Always About Us And Our Own Alignment, Which Is Another Way To Say, The Ultimate Answer Is Love. 

Spread Some Joy Today–by finding several things and situations to be grateful for. This will be especially joyous on those subjects that were previously associated with pain or regret.

Toward A Healthier And Happier Relationship

Fear, hurt, and a host of negative emotions may arise in the conditional love relationship. One says something that the other takes offense to and thereby opening the door to hurt feelings, anger, resentment, revenge, and more. The key here is that we each need to take responsibility for how we feel. We must own our own emotions and emotional responses as the beginning of a healthier relationship. Regardless of what the one said to the other, the reaction or response is in the receiver. Ultimately, we cannot hurt, anger, or exercise emotional authority over another. We only have that exclusive control over our own thinking, attachments to history, and emotional state. We may want another to think differently or more like we do but we cannot make them think anything or feel anything. They alone control that power in themselves. Hence, any reaction we may have is our own. Any response we may choose is our own. As we accept responsibility for our own thoughts, we cannot be hurt by another. We may only choose to feel hurt within ourselves. By owning our own feelings, and accepting that as our own responsibility, blame is no longer something we rely on. We cannot even blame ourselves and must simply accept that we are choosing our thoughts and consequential emotions or feelings.

Once we are aware and accept our own personal power, and as we feel negative emotion, we may desire to feel better and begin the process of changing toward experiencing more joy and well-being. We are always in choice even if in the past we may not have realized this and felt as though others were choosing for us. Those were still choices; albeit, unconscious choices. How powerful it is to gain the awareness required to choose consciously.

How wonderful and empowering it is to get to this place of realizing no other has power over our thoughts or our emotions. We each are solely in charge and in control of ourselves. Others certainly may influence us but that is very different than allowing others to control us. Others may try to control us but they do not have any more power than we give them. We cannot be hurt by another. We can only choose to feel hurt within ourselves. Some may say that they don’t want a romantic relationship because they’ve been hurt too many times and don’t want to be hurt again. They only need to choose not to feel hurt and they have all the power once they become aware and accept responsibility for their own thinking and emotions.

Our emotions are so useful. They are perfect guidance as we pay attention to how we are feeling. As we feel hurt and we do not like how this feels we can change or move toward a feeling we like better by changing our thought perspectives. We are all-powerful in this way and our emotions are always an indicator of our thinking. Emotions don’t happen to us. We create them from our thoughts. This means that if we desire to feel better, we have the creative power to choose better-feeling thoughts. This will cause us to feel better and better as we choose them. To me, this is the ultimate empowerment and we are equally blessed as we choose to recognize this power of creation. This allows us to take charge of our lives and have greater well-being along our varied paths.

Am I A Sounding Board For Discontent?

“There is no reason
to deliberately stir up problems
in order to stir up solutions.” 

— Abraham, Esther Hicks 

[Classic post from 4-1-16]

Sometimes a friend, or loved one is, in our opinion, going off course, and we want to be of assistance to help get them back on track. They are focused on problems and we want solutions, but often, the problems are the dominant discussion in our communications with them. It is what is, after all. It is easy to discuss what is. We often call that reality, truth, what is real, what is. Yet, regardless of how adept we get at discussing or analyzing the problem, the solutions can only come by turning away from the problem and on to the potential solutions.

We want to help. It’s a friend. It’s a family member. It’s a loved one. It’s natural to want to help, but again, what is typically done here is discussing the problems at length.

Abraham, Esther Hicks explains, “If you allow yourself to be the sounding board for your friend’s problems, your power of influence will be paltry, and you will be of no value to your friend.” 

“You are of no discernible assistance to your troubled friend unless you are able to focus in the direction of the solution. In the direction of what he wants, or in the direction of what you desire for him. If you are determined to feel good and are able to focus in the direction of improvement for him despite his continual prodding at this problem, your power of influence toward improvement will be powerful.” 

They continue: “It is important to realize that the negative emotion that you often feel when you are worried about a troubled friend is actually present because your focus is pulling you apart from yourself. Your friend may be the reason for your focus, but your friend is not the reason you are pulling against yourself. Your focus is the reason for that. Looking for positive aspects and expecting good outcomes for your friends is the only way you can be of value to them, for there is no action that you can offer that is strong enough to buck your current of negative attention.” 

Without a doubt in me, the most important and depth-reaching part of the Teachings of Abraham is what they call the Emotional Guidance System. In simple terms, when we are feeling positive emotions, we are in alignment with our inner being, the God within, or whatever terminology for that you prefer. They prefer Inner Being just to keep it simple. And, when we are feeling negative emotion, that emotion is an indication of being out of alignment with our Inner Being. You could also use the term Inner Knowing, or God Connection.

Sometimes people say to me that feeling good is not the end-all. No, that would be constant negative emotion. But, what they mean is that the emotions are not a guidance system at all, but only something we feel. Yet, if you were to test it for a time in earnest, I am convinced you will find that what they are teaching and I am expressing is a perfect and accurate description of how to control our own lives, and how to be an influence on others.

When we look at a friend or loved one–in fact, whatever we focus on–will cause us to have thoughts about what we are seeing or experiencing. And those thoughts as compared to our Inner Being’s thoughts about us, are either a match or within a similar vibrational vicinity, or they are not. When they are, we could be said to be following God’s will for us, being guided by Angels, or the Universal Mind. When we are not in alignment, we are resisting, struggling, and the negative emotion we are feeling is that indication.

As we see a friend or relative in a place that looks painful for them, and it is also for us if we focus on where they are, we are pretty much helpless to be of assistance, but when we focus on our own alignment first, as in the airline instructions to put your oxygen mask on first, then help others, we can be of service. Then from our own alignment, we can imagine the friend or loved one in the place that is in their best interests for themselves, or in our best imagining of our vision of that healthy, and joyous, whole person.

As we pay attention to this guidance, our lives get better and better and better, and those around us get better and better and better. Those that don’t, disappear.

Being Helpful Means Focusing On The Help, Not The Hurt. 

Spread Some Joy Today–by creating your own joy, then sharing it with the world around you.

In Or Out Of The Storm

“When you. . .
acknowledge your power
as a co-creator of your life,
you stop being a victim.
When you are not a victim,
you have choice.
When you are in choice,
you are in your power
and you are not frightened.”

— Paul Selig
from I Am the Word

[Classic post from 9-15-17]

Have you ever known, or know one or more now, who are like the Pig Pen character from the Peanuts comic strip where there is a shit storm going on all around them. Something is always going wrong. Someone or several others are always taking advantage of them or finding fault. There seems to always be someone that is out to get them.

It is part of the drama triangle which includes the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. This is a game that has no winners. Regardless of which of these three roles I might play, I lose. Believe me, I've played them all and even became proficient at each role.

But what I found after wising up to the game was that stepping outside of the game is where joy is. As I let go of any of those roles, I gain peace. In fact, joy and peace come automatically. They always come automatically when we let go.

The drama triangle is tempting. It is easy to participate in. You listen to someone's sad story and your heart wants to rescue them, or your inner parent wants to counsel them to a better place, your inner fear wants to persecute them, but realize this, as this is done from the mirage of the heart or the nurturing falsehood or disgust of the mind, I am in the game. As I am in the game, I go from role to role to role. I begin to crave rescuing people or playing the victim looking for sympathy and comradery, finding others to blame, to persecute and complain about.

The best thing that can happen to us is an awareness that we are in the game. Once we see we are in the game, we have an opportunity to step out of the circle of influence of the game. We can turn away and right there we are free of the game and in peace and joy.

This game goes on at work with co-workers, the owner or supervisor, other managers, customers, vendors, and others. It goes on at home with spouses, relatives, children, neighbors, friends. It goes on in our mind as we seem to be thinking all by ourselves going from one role to another in our minds about something we did or didn't do, should have done, shouldn't have done, might do, want to do, questioning ourselves, cajoling, feeling sorry for ourselves, and well. . . I'm guessing you know what I'm talking about.

The answer is always the same. Play the game, or step away from the game. Having become quite good at the game, I found that the joy and peace outside is infinitely superior in every way.

How About The Joy Triangle Instead: Joy, Peace, Love. That's A Glorious Game! 

Spread Some Joy Today–by creating your own Joy Triangle.

We Don’t Know

“Prejudice is to prejudge.
It means that we judge before we know.
We choose or accept a point of view
without care or concern,
and we do that out of fear.”

— Albert K. Strong

One of the more important things to me that I learned from Paul Selig's books expands on the Bible's teaching about judging not lest ye be judged. The sentence that brought this powerfully home to me was this: “You don't know why they came here or what they chose to learn.” That may be slightly paraphrased, but I thought, “wow! that is for sure and for certain.”

In Paul's book, The Book of Love and Creation, that I have so marked up you would laugh if you saw it, here is how he expands on this:

“The moment you understand that you are not the one in authority here in terms of judgment, you can begin to liberate the self. What this means, very simply, is humility. Are you in your humility? Who are you to judge your fellow man for their behavior? Do you know what they have come here to learn? Do you know what their choices are? What pain they have experienced? Or what light may be there for them at the end of their lesson? You do not know. How can you pretend to know at that level? If you are judging them, we promise you this: You do not know. You are in your illusion and in your self-congratulatory-ness, you have given yourself a nice dose of separation from your own knowing and from the flow of the love of the Creator that would work through you.”

Since learning this in this way, I have never forgotten it. When I find myself judging which is a reckless act of the ego, I am in my awareness and will stop pretty quickly now. I realize that I am judging and I do not want to judge anyone else. We have grown up making all manner of judgments about others and we do not know. 

Unconditional love is what allows others to be as they are without any need to satisfy me or comply with my beliefs, rules, or imaginings. That is not like getting on that horse and riding like a champion. It is a practice. Falling off the horse from time to time keeps me in my humility and is a welcome reminder to mind my own business. I am a handful by myself.

Compassion For All

“Seemingly all of a sudden
I realized that I had the capacity 
to love every person and thing.” 

— Albert K. Strong 

Compassion. It’s a word that is bandied about with ease. And my understanding of the word is different from the definition in the dictionary that I just read: “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.” That’s like saying, “I feel sorry for you and your affliction(s), here’s my ten-step method for curing your ills and releasing your suffering.” Silly.

Compassion to me is a grand word, filled with practical and powerful selfless love without any agenda or need of repair. What a radical difference.

I have to share this beautiful and insightful quote by one of my favorite old “new age” thinkers, Albert Einstein.

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” 

I take issue with only one short phrase: “Our task must be to. . .” There really aren’t any rules, and any observant person of the world around us can see that not so many are accepting this task, regardless of the stature of the person suggesting it. No, it’s not a must. It’s a potential choice. I say potential because we can choose yes and we can choose to ignore it completely.

I have been on this journey of learning to make use of what Abraham, Esther Hicks calls the Art of Allowing. This art or activity is the essence of compassion to me. As I allow others to be what they choose for themselves, and as I don’t insist that they be a certain way on my behalf, I am loving them without condition. There is no better way to define the Art of Allowing to me. 

I’ve been practicing for some time now, but it is only in the most recent years that I have taken off the training wheels so to speak. In releasing myself to practice my own version of compassion in the Art of Allowing, and in expressing and feeling unconditional love, I have come so much closer to the person I truly want to be inside and out.

Alignment Is An Inside Job

Here is an enlightening and uplifting passage from Abraham, Esther Hicks, and from the book, The Vortex that I find worth remembering, or maybe better said, re-membering. 

Of the 22 flawed premises written about in the book, this is #19: A good relationship is one in which the dominant intention of each person is to find agreement and harmony with the other.

“How could two people looking to find harmony with each other possibly be the wrong basis for a good relationship and a happy life? Both people have created their own Vibrational Escrow (Vibrational Reality) to which they must seek harmony if they are to be happy. When finding harmony with your mate takes precedence over finding harmony with your Inner Self, there is a strong probability that discord between you and Source will occur. That feeling of discord is then translated as a feeling of loss of freedom; and then your partner, with whom you truly want to find harmony, begins to feel less good. Your loss of connection to your own Source feels off to you, and is off, and so then (without wanting to) you begin to resent the partner whom you are trying to please. In short, there is no substitution for alignment with Source.

Again, you are looking for love in all the wrong places. We are not suggesting that you should not want to get along well with your mate. But we are strongly suggesting the powerful benefit of seeking, first, alignment with Source. When you find alignment with the Source within you, you also find alignment with your furthermost expansion. And when you are in alignment with who-you-really-are and all that you have become, you are then automatically in harmony with the best of your relationship with your partner.

Couples, or anyone involved in co-creating of any kind, who attempt harmony by trying first to please each other always discover the flaw in that premise. If you are not selfish enough to seek and find harmony with your Source, you have nothing to give your partner anyway.

If you see it as your job to keep your partner happy, and so you work hard and behave in ways that please your mate, you are actually setting your mate up for ultimate unhappiness because you are training that person to look to you and your behavior in order to feel good rather than seeking personal alignment with Source. And no matter how good you are at pleasing, and no matter how hard you try, you do not make a good substitute for your partner’s alignment with Source.

The message that you want to convey to the others with whom you are co-creating is this: “I will never hold you responsible for the way I feel. I have the power to focus myself into alignment with my Source, and therefore I have the power to keep myself feeling good.” If that is your true intention, then you have discovered the path, the only path, to true freedom and true happiness. But if your happiness is dependent upon the intentions or beliefs or behaviors of any other, you are trapped, for you cannot control any of that.”

Love Will Not Be Distorted

“Anything that is selfish, frankly, is not, could not, will not be love. “If I love you so much, you will never leave me,” is not love. It is fear. “I love you so much I would never be with anybody else” is fear, and it is a projection on the other, the object of love, as leaving you. These are all manifestations of fear that you conjure and create with to bring about a distortion. And love will not be distorted. It cannot be. It cannot be tampered with because it is a high frequency. And a high frequency, so you see, will always stand in congruence with the Creative Source.”

— Paul Selig
The Book of Love and Creation

All Relationships Are A Co-Creation

All relationships are always a co-creation. Regardless of the health or longevity of the relationship, both parties, or all parties are involved in one way or another throughout time.

There are always at least two perspectives in a relationship. It will never be one, although certain agreements may exist.

And, in every relationship, we always bring ourselves and all of our accumulated history and knowledge along.

This is why good, effective communication is so important.

There is a lot going on within ourselves, and now in a relationship, there is substantially more that can cause drama and intrigue, as well as love, joy, and freedom.

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Mesa, AZ